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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24868480">What Is This Feeling?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies'>Broken_Twisted_Lullabies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - No Hunting, Bela repeats some bad homophobic shit but realizes she's wrong and fixes that, Biphobia, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Male Character, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, SPN Pride Bingo 2020, Use of Homophobic Slur, biphobic language, please if any of this triggers you don't read it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:27:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24868480</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>At fourteen, Bela doesn't know there's a word to describe for wanting to kiss both guys and girls. All she knows is that at sixteen, it's apparently wrong for girls to kiss girls (according to her friends). It's not until she's twenty-one does she realize that what her old friends told her was wrong and that it's okay if you are attracted to both guys and girls. </p>
<p>[SPN pride bingo 2020 prompts - Coming Out and I Didn't Know You Were LGBTQ+ ]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bela Talbot/Dean Winchester, Bela Talbot/OFC, Bela Talbot/OMC(s), Dean Winchester/Castiel (past)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What Is This Feeling?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written the spn pride bingo 2020 card on supernatural amino. No major editing involved, no rereading it over and over again until I didn't even recognize it (so all mistakes are my own and were not immediately caught by Grammarly). </p>
<p>This fic does feature biphobia/homophobia and internalized homophobia/biphobia. If any of this triggers you, please don't read this. As well, dyke is used a slur in this (I'm aware it's been reclaimed by the queer community and by lesbians, however since in the context of this fic it's used negatively, I censored it), although despite in bold, is censored with symbols. If there are any other things you want me to tag that I missed, let me know in the comments! </p>
<p>To anyone who is bi (or attracted to girls), you are not wrong or broken. What Bela's friends say (and her as well) is wrong. Bi people are valid, regardless if they are in a "straight"-presenting relationship, or with someone of the same sex, they are valid if they lean more towards dating guys or dating girls, they are valid if they've only dated one or the other. Bi people are valid as fuck and whilst not bi myself, bisexuals are valid and awesome and I support and love my bisexual people! </p>
<p>Happy pride to you, and to everyone else that is LGBTQ+<br/>-from you're friendly aroace gal.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>At fourteen, Bela doesn’t know there’s a word for how she feels.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sits in a small circle with her current friend group, five other girls, and listens as they discuss the boys in their grade. They talk about which ones are the cutest, and which are gross, and Bela, while agreeing that Parker McDonald is cute, and maybe if he asked her if he could kiss her, she'd say yes. But, if given the chance, Bela might also kiss Tracy, who lays on her stomach across from Bela, fiddling with her hair. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>At fifteen, Bela still isn't quite sure how to describe how she feels. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now in high school, her friend group shifts ever so slightly -- a few of the girls go to other schools, and some have classes that aren't the same as Bela's. Either way, her friend group of five is not the same from the slumber party at Penny Lopes' house. But the new friends she has are much better and Bela likes giggling and gossiping about which boys they think are hot, or which they hope might ask them out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Bela still has those strange feelings, like when she wonders about her first kiss, what it might be like to kiss a girl too.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At fifteen, halfway through grade nine, Bela gets her first boyfriend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He's got curly black hair and has nice tanned skin, and is a bit of a bad boy, and is in grade eleven. He's got an ever-present smirk, and rides a motorcycle, and his name is Stephen. He's absolutely perfect and most of the girls in her grade are jealous. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Especially her friends. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Especially Theo Gray in her English class (and Bela doesn't know why she's so focused on making Theo jealous compared to everyone else. Maybe because then Theo notices her).</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>At sixteen, Bela sits with her friends outside for lunch and they talk about the other girls in their grade. Stephen isn't here because of a glass trip, so it's just Bela and her friends and one of the girls, Emma, is talking about Evelyn Laurence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I heard she, you know," Emma says before leaning close as if whispering a dirty secret she wants no one else to hear. "Likes girls," the brunette finishes and the rest of Bela's friends gasp. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn't, confused because she's not sure what's so gasp-worthy about that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You mean she wants to kiss girls?" Penny asks, and Emma nods quickly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bela's confusion only grows. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Other girls don't think about maybe kissing a girl too? Just like they do with boys? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And apparently, they don't because the other girls' faces show varying levels of disgust. Bela frowns, and that's when one of the other girls, Rachelle calls Evelyn a </span>
  <b>
    <em>d$#@</em>
  </b>
  <b>.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bela doesn't know what the word is, but Rachelle says it like the words poisonous and it makes her skin crawl. Later, when she's alone at home on an incognito tab, Bela searches up the word and learns what it means, and thinks somehow that must be bad. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Later, when she catches her friends hissing the word to Evelyn or using it in reference to the girl, Bela learns that being a </span>
  <b>
    <em>d$#@</em>
  </b>
  <span> or liking girls is bad. And she doesn't want to like girls and be called that and taunted by her friends. So Bela pretends she doesn't think about maybe kissing girls too (</span>
  <em>
    <span>because she's not a lesbian. She's not a </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>d$#@</em>
  </b>
  <b>.</b>
  <em>
    <span> She's Bela and she likes boys, and maybe she's just jealous of other girls or confused</span>
  </em>
  <span>), and focuses on her friends and her awesome boyfriend and tells herself she likes boys and only boys. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At sixteen, before he graduates, Stephen breaks up with her because "I want a cool girlfriend. You're too serious. Besides," Stephen tells her while she stands on her driveway. "You're basically a kid in high school. And that's weird."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he dumps her and breaks her heart, and Bela locks herself in her room and cries and cries. She blames herself for the break-up, vowing to be cooler and better than the Bela Stephen knew. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The new Bela doesn't think about making Theo try and notice her, nor does the new Bela think about maybe also kissing Tracy. The new Bela is cool, and not at all like Evelyn. She's not a </span>
  <b>
    <em>d$#@</em>
  </b>
  <b>.</b>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>At seventeen, Bela has a new boyfriend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A boy named Travis who is smart, and cool, and won't dump her because she's "not cool either". They share history and chemistry together, although sometimes they'll skip class to hang out on the bleachers by the football field and smoke. She tells herself she loves Travis far more than she loved Stephen, and whenever she's not hanging out with her friends, she's with Travis. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They're only together a few months because, despite everything, she catches him constantly staring at other girls. At first, she grits her teeth and pretends she doesn't see. But when Travis looks over at Theo, something flares up in Bela and she decides she's had enough. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>She won't think about why Theo, of all girls, is the one that is the final straw</span>
  </em>
  <span>.) </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The new Bela won't have her heartbroken. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So at seventeen, when Bela and Travis are sitting on the hood of his car, waiting for lunch to end, Bela says those three words. She pulls the cigarette from her red-coloured lips, gives him a look, and taps the ash from the lit tip on the side of the car hood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We're over, Travis," she breathed, words mingling with cigarette smoke and before he could say a word, Bela hops down from the car, drops the cigarette but and crushes it beneath her heel. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Snagging her bag, she sashays away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, desire her cool facade, part of Bela still worries if he knew her dirty little secret -- of how when Bela kissed him once, she closed her eyes and pretended his dark braids were longer, that his cheeks didn't have that rough stubble, and that his dark skin was smoother. (Like Theo's.) But she'll never ask, and so she'll never know. Either way, Bela is single, and definitely not into girls, and when her friends whisper mean things about Evelyn behind her back, Bela joins in too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because Bela's seventeen, and while she's still not one hundred percent sure there's a word for how she feels, she's sure liking girls is wrong. And if she thinks and acts like it's wrong enough, then maybe her own feelings and thoughts might go away. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>At eighteen, Bela starts dating Dean Winchester. Pitcher of their school's baseball team, member of the hockey team as well -- he's the school's heartthrob and every girl wants him. But Bela gets him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean doesn't look at other girls, and he invites her to all his sports games and doesn't mind her mouth tastes like smoke, and he's much better than both Travis or Stephen. He's smart, and cool, and when they make out, Bela doesn't think of Theo, or the pretty girl, Chelsea, in her Calculus class. She just thinks of Dean and Bela is convinced he's the one for her and he'll make her never think about wanting to kiss a girl again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And he does.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They're the perfect couple and everyone wants to be them, and her friends (and Theo and Chelsea) are all jealous and come graduation, they both end up coincidentally going to the same university. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>At twenty-one, Bela finally learns the word that her fourteen-year-old self never knew. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Bisexual</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She's leaning up against Dean, the two of them at Dean's apartment he leased with a few of the guys on his sport's team. It's her, Dean, a mutual friend of theirs, Meg, and two of Dean's teammates, Adam and Michael, along with Michael's girlfriend, Anna. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They're playing some dumb game that Bela isn't quite sure what the name of is, all sitting cross-legged on the floor in the living room area, and Bela's got a beer in her hand. It's almost like a cross between King's Cup and Truth or Dare, and it's Meg's turn. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So, Dean," Meg says, grinning. "How many relationships have you been in?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her boyfriend pauses and Bela, while not the type to be jealous at knowing her boyfriend's been in relationships in the past, is a bit curious. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Officially? Two -- Before Bela that is," Dean said. He takes a sip of his own beer. "Had a girlfriend back in tenth grade, and a boyfriend over the summer of grade eight, and we were together part of grade nine."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bela blinks, swiveling to turn and look at her boyfriend. "Wait, what? You were gay?" She asks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one else in their group seems to be even fazed by Dean saying he had a boyfriend before. They all are calm about it as if it's just a normal occurrence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hmm? Not exactly. I'm bi," he told her. "Didn't I say?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shakes her head, looking at the others. "Bi?" She echoes and this time it's Anna who answers her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's short for bisexual. It means you like guys and girls," she explains and suddenly Bela's eyes grow wide and she looks down at her beer. "My cousin is bi. But she's only really dated girls currently."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Bisexual</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There's a word for liking both guys and girls and none of the others care about that? If Dean had told her highschool friends that, they'd all give awkward smiles and laughs in front of him. Then, when he'd be gone, they'd sneer and roll their eyes and tell Bela to dump him because "he's basically gay but can't make up his mind. I mean, he's probably just dating you to make guys jealous. He doesn't actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>like you</span>
  </em>
  <span>." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And so, she would, because highschool Bela believed her friends, and because she wouldn't want him to think she was doing the exact same. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, sorry. I'd been out to my family since grade nine, and I told a few of my friends. I guess I thought I mentioned it to you too, but apparently not," Dean apologizes, and numbly, Bela nods, still partially in her thoughts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"My whole team knows now, and Meg knew because she asked me a while back advice on how to ask Ruby out-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>Meg liked girls? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Bela thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Like Evelyn did? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"-- and so I guess I just figured I told you and you were chill with it," Dean finishes. He squeezes her arm and smiles apologetically. "I'm sorry Bel."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's…" she swallows, focusing back on him and the others. "It's fine." She does her best to not sound confused and lost, and it must work because the others all go back to their game and Meg's quizzing Dean on his boyfriend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We broke off when I moved away in grade ten to Lebanon. He wasn't out to his family either so we never told anyone either," he told Meg. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"And his name?" She pressed, leaning in close. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Like Dean, Meg had grown up in Lawrence, Kansas, and Bela was certain Meg was trying to see if she happened to know the boy Dean had dated. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her boyfriend laughs. "Castiel."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Meg gasps and even Michael and Adam look at him with surprise. But for different reasons. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No way! I was friends with him in high school! Nerdy guy with blue eyes, right?" Meg exclaims and Dean grins, nodding. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, that's the one."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Wait. You dated Castiel?" Adam buts it. "Didn't we play against him last season? Novak, number fourteen?" He glances at Michael, who after a moment nods. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh yeah. We still keep in touch, even after all this time. He's a cool guy, still a bit nerdy." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>From there, Dean asks a question to someone else, but Bela's not paying much attention and once it's finally the two of them in Dean's room (Michael and Adam had gone to bed and Anna and Meg having gone home), Bela looks at Dean from her spot on his bed and asks, "How long did you know you were bisexual?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The word's still unfamiliar in her mouth, and no matter how many times she repeats it over and over in her head, it still is strange on her tongue. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean pokes his head out of the bathroom, toothbrush in his mouth. "Since I was about ten, I think," he tells her, words coming out a bit muffled. "But honestly, I just kinda always liked both guys and girls. Not sure if I can properly pinpoint when, but when I found out about bisexuality, it just made sense and I was like, I'm bi." He disappeared back into the bathroom to finish and Bela found herself running her finger in circles on his bedsheet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"And everyone was okay with you being bi?" She asked, sounding unsure. "I mean, isn't it you either like guys or you like girls? Like is it possible to actually like both?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean walked into the room, frowning. "I thought you said you were fine with me being bi."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I am!" Bela began but Dean kept talking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Cause what you're saying sounds kinda biphobic, Bel. Don't tell me you're gonna say I'm greedy or confused and need to just pick one or the other," he added and Bela was quiet, biting her lip. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because while that wasn't what she was going to say, that was a thought that crossed her mind, because that's what her old friends would say. That's what they had told her, and she had believed it because she figured they were smart and cool and how could they be wrong about that? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean mistook her silence for admission and gave a huff. "Look, if you're not cool with it, tell me now. I've dealt with enough biphobia and crap when I was with Cas and when I was figuring out my sexuality that I'm not going to put up with it because my girlfriend is close-minded."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her eyes widened. Was Dean breaking up with her? "No! No, I just -- it's just --" she stammered, tripping over her words as she jumped to her feet. "Isn't it wrong for girls to like girls? That makes them </span>
  <b>
    <em>d$#@</em>
  </b>
  <b>s</b>
  <span> and so guys liking guys is like the--"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't," Dean cuts off, voice like steel. "Don't call me that. Even if you're implying it." His words are harsh and Bela takes a step back, away from him. The way Dean reacts to her words, it makes her feels small and nervous, like when Stephen broke her heart. He's angry with her, and she doesn't quite know why. </span>
</p>
<p><span>She tries again because, for almost eight years, Bela's been convinced that thinking about kissing girls and liking girls is </span><em><span>bad. </span></em><span>It gets you bullied and called names and so it's gotta be wrong. Because that's what her friends </span><em><span>said. That's what they told her and that's why they teased Evelyn. </span></em><span>And that's why her exes didn't love her. Because they knew Bela's dirty little secret, surely. "But being a </span><b><em>d$#@</em></b> <span>is bad --" </span></p>
<p>
  <span>"And who told you that, Bela?" Dean argues. "You're parents? Your friends?" His tone asks for a challenge, and maybe if the rug hadn't been completely pulled from under her feet she might fight back. Be the same ruthless and cool and '<em>i-don't-give-a-crap</em>' sixteen and seventeen self but she can't. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her face falls, and Bela looks away. She can't look at Dean because right now, he's proof that it's not bad to like both guys and girls because all the bad things her old friends had said were wrong. All lies. And now, Bela, who's pushed down and ignored and tried to burn away that part of her who like girls as much as guys, doesn't know what to do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Bela?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She takes a shaky breath. "It's okay if you like both?" Her voice is small and she looks at Dean nervously. "I'm not a, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you know </span>
  </em>
  <span>--" she doesn't say the word because looking at it now, it's meant to hurt, and she doesn't want to use that word to hurt people -- "for wanting to kiss girls too?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean's anger seems to recede a bit and he shakes his head. "There's nothing wrong with being bi. It doesn't mean you're wrong or a bad person, Bela," he tells her. It seems then he catches what else she said. "Bela, do you want to just kiss girls?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bela watches Dean carefully, checking to see his response. "No. I…I don't think so. I like you. I like dating guys. But -" she cuts herself off. Can't fully say the words that she's choked and smashed down for ages because she's convinced herself for so long she can't say those words. She's not allowed to because Bela's not a,</span>
  <em>
    <span> you know</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But?" Her boyfriend prompts, moving to sit on the bed near where she stands. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Her boyfriend. Besides getting mad at what she had said earlier, Dean isn't upset with her suggesting she might like girls too. She might be…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But I've thought of kissing girls before." She pauses. "There were girls, back at our highschool -- Theo Gray, Chelsea Morrison. Back when I was dating Travis, part of me pretended he was Theo. I thought what it'd be like to kiss her, to have her pay attention to </span>
  <em>
    <span>me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But-But…" Bela trailed off, feeling the pinpricks of tears in her eyes. "It's wrong. It had to be. That's what Emma and Penny and all my friends said. They told me it was bad and </span>
  <b>
    <em>d- </em>
  </b>
  <span>girls like Evelyn were broken," she explained, wiping the few tears that had begun to fall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But they're wrong, Bela. They were homophobic teenage girls who hated what was different from themselves and probably spewed their toxic rhetoric back onto you," Dean told her, reaching for her hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She lets him take it, sitting back down on his bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Girls who like girls aren't wrong or bad or broken. Just like guys who are gay aren't bad either." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bela nods shakily, watching his face for disgust, for him to make the same faces Emma and all her other friends did when they saw or spoke of Evelyn. "I...I think I'm bi too. Maybe." Now that she was just learning that there were sexualities beyond just liking people of the opposite sex and the same sex, Bela wondered if there were others. "But I do know I like girls. And guys."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It takes a lot to say that, to let the words that felt so much like a dirty secret escape and be heard but it lifts a weight on her chest. Until now, she's never had a word that fits how she's felt, and also never met someone else that shares feelings similar to her own. It doesn't chase away the words of her old friends that taunt and bounce around her head as she does say it, but Bela doubts those will vanish immediately the moment she tells all this to Dean. To someone else besides herself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And she's said awful things, thought awful things towards herself and Evelyn, and people who were like Evelyn, and Dean, and Castiel too. But she wants to fix that. To be better than the old Bela, who thought she was tough and cool and popular but was instead just scared and lashing out to be cruel to others to hide how she felt about herself.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"And you're the only person I've ever told," she adds, voice but a whisper. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean gives a small nod, but he doesn't look ashamed or angry. "And that's okay. You can take as long as you need to figure things out and if you don't want to tell people right now, you don't have too."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She offers him a relieved smile, wiping away the last of her tears. "Thank you. Also, Dean, I'm sorry. For what I said before. I didn't know better but I want to," she adds, apologizing both to him and just in general. "Because I think you're right. They were wrong and it's okay to like both guys and girls?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It comes out a question because even now she's unsteady. She needs reassurance for the fact that being bisexual isn't wrong, about like girls is okay despite what she's been told for the last few years. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It is," Dean tells her, catching her hesitance. "And thanks for that." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't kick her out of the house, and as Dean shifts to lie down in the bed, she shifts a bit closer. Bela doesn't lie down quite yet, catching Dean looks like he wants to say more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Bela, you also don't have to immediately date a girl to be bi, either. Just so you know. You can be bi and still date guys, or be bi and having only dated girls before, and neither one is less valid than someone who's dated both guys and girls." Dean shifts over in the bed, making space for her. Yawning, he says, "We can talk more about this in the morning if you want my help."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay. Okay," Bela agrees, shuffling up into the space beside Dean on the bed. "But we're okay? You won't break up with me in the morning?" She murmurs, lowering her voice as he turns off the bedside lamp. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Not unless you want me too," Dean answers back in the same soft voice and she shakes her head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Thank you." And when they fall asleep, Bela thinks that maybe it'll be okay.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>At fourteen, Bela didn't know there was a word for how she felt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At twenty-one, she finally did. Bisexual. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Granted, she doesn't use that word until she's almost twenty-four, spending the next few years learning her feelings are okay, unlearning all the homophobic things her ex-friends had said (while not talking to all of them anymore, those she does still talk to once in a while she gets rid of. They're all then blocked and unfriended and unfollowed and Bela feels a bit lighter). It's not easy, and It's long, and there are moments where she messes up and tries to push herself back into the cage those girls forced her to build, but Dean helps catch her before she can lock the door. And she's grateful for that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the end, while Bela's trying to work through everything (internalized homophobia, her therapist explains calmly), she finds Evelyn and reaches out, apologizing for everything she said, and explains that despite her own homophobia, it doesn't excuse her actions. Evelyn accepts her apology, and they spend time together when neither one is busy and Evelyn's in town, and end up becoming friends. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It takes almost three years and Bela still has her slip-ups of internalized homophobia, but she can proudly say, at twenty-four, that she's bisexual. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Dean, who is now her good friend (they had taken a break a year and a half back and then agreed to break up officially to make things easier), grins and slings an arm around her, proud. Around her, their friends all salute and raise their glasses in a toast, and Bela feels better than she has in ages. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She can breathe and doesn't feel afraid. She doesn't feel like her sexuality is a dirty little secret, and her thoughts of dating or kissing a girl don't make her feel sick or scared. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe Theo might respond to her DM about getting together and talking where Bela can confess everything to the girl, or maybe Bela might text the pretty waitress who left her number on Bela's napkin with a wink when bringing her, her drink. She's not sure, but she does know one thing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After eleven years, Bela's certain she knows the word for how she feels and she's not ashamed of it. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy pride month to all my LGTBQ+ folxs, and regardless of your gender identity or sexual or romantic orientation you are valid and are awesome and all the people who say otherwise are wrong.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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